The sky was a foreboding gray with clouds that looked ready to unload buckets. The day had from the start a melancholy feeling to it. The girl wasn’t sure if it was emanating from her or the environment, so she simply went along doing the things necessary to get on with the day. Nothing too out of the ordinary thus far. The steam fogged up all the glass as she took an extra hot shower that morning to try and urge warmth and energy into her limbs. Finishing her shower, she packed her lunch and organized her bag, not forgetting a snack for the commute to work. Sixty-five minutes later and the clouds hadn’t let even a sprinkle out yet, which allowed her to walk up to the house with a small smile. It was a Monday and this meant that she would likely have quite the list, but shopping wasn't one, so what did it matter if it rained? She turned the key and put her bags on the front table, ready for the day.
The girl got started right away on the usual tasks before the kids got up. She unloaded the dishwasher, wiped down the counter and tables, did a walk through the dining room and living room picking up the random toys that had been abandoned. Having finished those things, she headed downstairs to put the first load of dirty clothes into the washing machine. She silently reprimanded herself for not starting this before the other duties; it was always a push to finish when she had to do the laundry, it required constant mental reminders to check its status and move things from wash to dry to folded. And the family always seemed to notice if tasks were incomplete, but took for granted the effort it took to master all the other things. Heaven forbid, she just put the clothes in the room stacked nicely for the parents to put away. It wasn’t “teamwork” as they had claimed in the contract and in the interview. The whites didn’t look too soiled; she’d wash it on the quick cycle to catch up. With that set, she headed back upstairs to figure out breakfast for the kids. She was considering French toast, but after peaking in the fridge there was neither milk nor bread. Annoyed, she jotted those onto a list and set to slicing some fruit that she could serve with scrambled eggs. The kids didn’t favor eggs, but they’d just have to go with it, as the cupboards were bare of other options. She would definitely be making a haul at the grocery store later and prayed that the rain would hold off until after she came back.
Having gotten breakfast all prepped, she’d start cooking the eggs after the kids woke up, she headed upstairs to go and wake them. Glancing at the clock as she mounted the stairs, it was already getting late so there’d be no breakfast in jammies today. She’d need to rush them a bit if she was going to have that growing list completed by the end of the day. Entering their room she was surprised to find the boy and girl not only awake but halfway dressed.
“Wow! What is this? Not only are you awake, but are my eyes deceiving me? Are you actually partially dressed, too?!” She said each word in a mock surprise, but she was actually quite astonished and very grateful. She enjoyed her work and suddenly that hint of melancholy this morning was ancient history. So she continued on in genuine praise “I am really amazed! You two really are the best!”
“Does this mean we get to have a special breakfast,” the little one asked?
“I was all pumped and ready to make French toast–” the girl began before the big sister interrupted.
“–Yes! You are the best! We love French Toast! With syrup too?”
“Man, you are breaking my heart. Sorry, guys. Ya’ll must have eaten a whole bunch over the weekend, because I have bad news. There is neither bread nor milk and therefore no French Toast. To make matters worse, cereal won’t work without milk, there is also no oatmeal, and you’re out of butter, peanut butter, and cream cheese so bagels won’t fly either,” the girl spoke quickly so as not to sound as shocked as she really was.
“You’re lying!” the little one screamed. “We have no food!? I am starving!”
“I know it’s not your favorite, but I have some wonderful fruit you each like, and I am going to scramble some eggs,” the girl said with a smile, and added “I like eggs! You know they’re my favorite. I will put extra love in them so that you will like them, too.”
She left the room with that to shut out the moans and groans that immediately erupted from the four year old and the seven year old. It bothered her that the parents could be so careless and not swing by and pick up a few essentials from the store over the weekend. She had just gone grocery shopping on Thursday, but it was a busy day and so she hadn’t vetted the list against what was in the cupboards. She assumed, wrongfully it turned out, that the parents had checked what was low or had completely run out. It’s not like they hadn’t gone to the store. In fact, she knew they had at some point that weekend because during her hunt through the fridge and cupboards she saw a jug of orange juice that hadn’t been there Friday when she left, a bag of chips, a few apples, and new candies hidden in the parents not-so-secret-anymore spot above the fridge. But she pushed away her judgements and focused on straightening up the playroom while the kids finished their lament.
Back downstairs the day seemed to fly by at an unexpected pace. The girl had already moved one load of washing into the dryer and started the second, when it was time to take the kids to school. Then it was off to the grocery store. As soon as she was back, it was straight downstairs to put the second load into the dyer, add a third into the washer, and carry up the dried clothes to the living room to be folded. Then put the groceries away and get started with lunch for the boy who’d need to also be picked up from preschool. Soon the veggies were chopped and put aside, the chicken had been shredded and his plate made. Just as she was folding up the last pieces of the first load of laundry, she heard the dryer go off, and it was time to get the shuffle going again. After she folded the second load it was time to pick up the little boy from pre-school and get him fed and put down for a nap. All this thankfully had gone off without a hitch. He seemed rather worn out from school and so didn’t fuss about his lunch. He was quickly ready to crawl into his bed for a nap. Third load of laundry was folded, a fourth was put into the dryer, and the fifth and last was put into the washer after the girl polished off her own lunch. Just enough time for a short rest before pickup for the sister. The sky looked an ominous dark with a heaviness to the clouds, but still not a drop had fallen. Nonetheless, the girl used the excuse of impending rain to ditch the idea of taking the kids to the park, because she still had those last few loads of laundry to get through.
As she put the last bits of clothes and blankets away, mom walked through the door and the day was done. It wouldn’t be a sixty-five minute commute home if that rain started, and as she popped the car into drive the first fat drop splattered across her windshield. She encouraged herself with the wins of the day. More and more she practiced intentional gratitude for big and small things to drive away melancholy and a sense of aimlessness she sometimes felt. Traffic wasn’t moving too slowly down the freeway which was nice, she thought to herself. About ninety minutes later she pulled into the driveway as the rain poured down all around her. Not bad given the intensity of the weather.
She sat down in the dim room, slightly wet. Decided to take a hot shower to clean up and wash away the day. It wasn’t a bad day, she reminded herself. It had been good, even if it had been very busy. In the shower she reflected not just on the day she had had, but on the weeks she’d had, the months, and how she was where she was. How long had it been, a whisper from her heart asked. Six months with the kids, and another month and a half since there had been unexpected delays in starting work. Fall was already quickly becoming winter. She’d already passed spring and summer, and with that thought her own heart began to swarm with ominous dark and heavy clouds. She was not unhappy. “I am grateful for where I am,” she said it aloud to comfort herself as she changed into her pajamas. She returned fresh into the quiet living room. “I had a good day,” she addressed it to the room, though it was only her.
Sinking into the sofa, she switched on the television. She didn’t usually watch tv much, but with the rain hammering away outside, it seemed the best way to pass the evening. She also didn’t usually choose dramas, but again it seemed like a simple way to escape into the night. The episode opened into a scene of Gwanghwamun Square in Seoul. As the camera panned to the statue of King Sejong the heavens opened and rain poured down into the square. The beauty of the mountains wrapped in the misty rain along with the sound of the rain pelting the window behind the girl as she sat in the somber room proved too much. Suddenly her own heart was thrust open and her own fat tears fell with anguish upon her lap. The sobs filled the room as her mind’s eye was filled with the pictures and memories of her last days in South Korea. When had she last been to Gwanghamun? Had it truly been a year since she had last laid her eyes upon King Sejong? She didn’t need to go to Seoul often, and when she did it wasn’t to the Palace Square, and yet a great longing had overwhelmed her to be in that scene. So she did the only thing she could do, and wept bitterly at being far from home. She wasn’t unhappy, that is what the inner voice was chiding, but her heart replied that that still didn’t make up for the fact that she wasn’t home. She played house each day, building a life for a family completely not her own, in a space not her own, far from what was familiar and meaningful to her. She wasn’t unhappy to do it, because she was good at it. She had conquered that list and gave the kids plenty of attention and care as she did it. Yet, what was the point, her heart pleaded with her. How had she let the seasons just pass her by? Tears were forming small streams down her face and upon her lap as she sat there and let the past seven months of busyness and seven months of life pass through her. She had been blind to the loss that now pressed upon her. She was not unhappy, but even though she had tried to build a life, she wasn’t closer to being at home. She wasn't closer to purpose. She was aimless, just going through the motions. She had left home, and had had to leave in haste, and for what? What had the more than half a year given to her? She just wanted to be back. Her heart ached with the loss of ease that jumping on the subway provided, walking the streets of her quiet neighborhood, sitting at beautiful cafes, meeting up with friends. All of that had been lost and replaced with long commutes, to-do lists, and wearing dozens of hats for a family that wasn’t hers. “But I am not unhappy,” she cried out to the room. And her heart whispered back “But neither are you home.”
Vocabulary:
emanating (v): to come out from a source
lament (n/v): an expression of sorrow
fuss (v/n): an expression of anger or complaint especially about something that has little importance
impending (adj): happening or likely to happen soon
chiding (v): to express mild disapproval of (someone) : to scold (someone) gently
Idioms
ancient history -- a short phrase to mean that something is no longer presently important, or that something has grown old and no longer as meaningful
to go off without a hitch -- a phrase which mean that something has progressed smoothly and without any problems or issues
ditch the idea -- a phrase that means to suddenly and quickly abandon something
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